In a recent post greengirl spoke of her need to be needed, wanted and cherished. These are emotions so intense in me they almost burn up my heart at times, a searing pain from memories still so raw that even now they bring tears to my eyes. I spent such a long time not feeling needed, such a long time feeling unwanted and inadequate, such a long time trying to be a person that I am not in order just to get some word of praise: some sign that I was worthy of his attention even. Fool that I am, I believed him.
I loved him and in my eyes he could do no wrong, so the one who was wrong must be me. He took my self confidence and tore it up before my eyes: he took my self esteem and buried it deep in the bowels of the earth: he took my heart and wrung it dry. I floundered in a sea of emptiness not knowing which way solid ground lay. I didn't want to live, but somehow I did. A ghost of the person I once was, living a life that had no substance... year after year after year...
That is my past, although it haunts my present still. The lingering doubts remain. There is too much time on my own, too much time for those deep rooted insecurities to raise their heads once more. Too much time to sink back into the deep dark troughs that should now be consigned to my past. I feel that I am deep under water, small and insignificant as I gaze up through the surging waters that bury me. I do not know myself. I have lost my identity, am not certain quite that I ever truly had one.
And then He is here. His hands on my upper arms hold me away from Him as He drinks me in with His eyes. His words bring music to my ears, His happiness only barely contained, provides the joyful lyrics, laughter bubbling a duet to the words He speaks. His eyes sparkle and glisten, crinkling at the edges in a way that melts my very soul. I know He will notice every detail about me. My hair, my lipstick, my stockings, my shoes, the detailing on my dress. Right now it is His eyes that feast. Next it will be His hands, tracing the contours of my body. He will seek out the forms that give Him the greatest pleasure... the curve of a rib, the swell of a hip bone...and the grin will deepen on His lips. With Him I have no doubt about my identity. I am His. I am His sub. My mind is crystal clear, there are no doubts.
No doubts. I do not doubt that I am needed. I do not doubt that I am wanted. I do not doubt that I am cherished. I am His. He will use me. He will train me. He will tease and torment me. He will discipline and punish me. I will smile and moan and scream and cry. Yet I will not doubt. By knowing I am needed my self esteem is growing. By knowing I am wanted my self confidence is building. By knowing I am cherished my heart blossoms and grows. I am His, and I know who I am and how to be. Happy, relaxed, confident I am His sensuous sub.
And later, much later I know He will fold me in His arms: He will softly kiss me: He will stroke my skin cherishing the new marks on the ivory softness. He will hold me closely to His chest and whisper in my ear, and we will be as one.
My past is history. M you are my present, you are my future. Thank you.